They might shut down their emotions in an attempt to feel safe and avoid feeling vulnerable. A trigger such as a partner trying to get emotionally intimate. They might feel threatened and trigger dating or relationship situations. Shut DownĪvoidant adults still self-regulate their negative feelings in unhealthy ways. If avoidant partners hear a loved one say, “You’re hurting my feelings when you push me away,” they often have a very difficult time staying with their loved one’s pain because their shame of causing hurt feels so big. Since their internalized message is that it’s up to them to find the skillset to get rid of difficult emotions, avoidant individuals often feel ashamed when they can’t make them go away. If their attempts to make unhappiness go away just makes the distress or conflict get bigger, it can be a very difficult trigger. This could be because it was their “job” to be able to make their own emotions or distress go away when they were children. Failing, Making Things Worse, or UselessĪvoidant individuals often have internalized a message that it’s up to them to make sure distress or conflict go away. So when they’re in a conflict with someone else, they often don’t know what to do to stay present with their own emotions or with their partner expressing emotion. In intimate relationships, when those with avoidant attachment style pick up on a signal they’ve hurt their partner’s feelings, they tend to want to shut down, fix it, or push away from it. Similarly, they expect other people to be able to do the same thing. They’ve “turned off a switch” to difficult emotions they can’t manage on their own. They want the unpleasantness to go away to feel safe.
Whether it’s theirs or someone else’s, withdrawers with an avoidant attachment style tend to feel overwhelmed with difficult or serious emotions. They may not be looking for a cheerleader but want an ability to trust that someone hears and sees them.
Not Feeling AcknowledgedĪvoidants don’t need a lot of attention or approval, however, they do highly value recognition of their efforts. Avoidants value independence so any need to rely on someone else triggers a sense of weakness. Vulnerability is one of the biggest attachment triggers, probably due to childhood wounds. Pressure To Open Up Or Be More Vulnerable If this makes an avoidant person feel like it’s due to “weaknesses,” they can shut down quickly.Ī person with an avoidant attachment style wants to show up, but when they don’t know how the action looks to their partner, they can feel like they’re failing. During an avoidant attachment trigger someone can feel incapable with an expectation placed upon them.
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